So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
