Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Randomize
