Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
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