Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Randomize
