Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
Randomize
