one two three fourrrrnication!
I just gift wrapped bread.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Randomize
