woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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