What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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