Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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