woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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