I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
