I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize
