Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
