omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
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