I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
