i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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