I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Randomize
