She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
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