Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
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