Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
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