You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
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