if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
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