my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
