at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Randomize
