She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
