i think my mom watched the whole time
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Still dying that you shit outside
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
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