The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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