It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Randomize
