bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Randomize
