When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
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