i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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