So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
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