i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Randomize