life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
