genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
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