I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Randomize
