i don't like sucking hair
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
