If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
