No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
