There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
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