So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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