I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
so much tequila, so little girl.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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