I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Randomize
