Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
you never un-have a 4some
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Randomize
