Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
lol hangovers are for mortals.
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