You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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