yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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