Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
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