Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
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