I'm going to jail i love you
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
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