your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
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