Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
