I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
I forget how to act sober
Randomize