You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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