Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
