We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
