to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
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